Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You Might Also Like
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.