Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him