Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.