Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.