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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
@ candidates for local office
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: