This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Saw your ex at the shops
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
jesus christ confetti not now