Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.