Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I drew y’all a little something.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Flock of bats
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!