hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
this post was so formative to me
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
They must have gotten it to go.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.