The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You Might Also Like
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
These aliens are taking forever.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.