Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!