There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
giddy up Office Depot
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run