Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-