The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.