Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Whoa 😂
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“Why you watching this shit?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.