Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud