It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
You Might Also Like
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Butt weight. There’s more!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997