[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure