Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.