Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”