It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests