I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I put the p in pants.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Livid.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving