INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Discuss
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.