Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The options really are this bad
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP