in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
A classic…
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.