Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
favorite tropes as memes
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse