I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna