The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
White Castle for the Win
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.