There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.