there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss