Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
me and who
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Isn’t
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids