i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
doing some research
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Unimpressed
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.