Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Sorry not sorry.