Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*