My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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*power walks to the refrigerator*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
No, I don’t think I will.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Are we there yet?…
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*