Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
nice challenge
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang