My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
what day is it?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no