“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*