This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then