I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn鈥檛 distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I鈥檓 trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I鈥檝e fallen on some hard Times.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I鈥檒l write I鈥檒l write I鈥檒l write.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 馃檨
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must鈥檝e decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point