No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I don’t think my car can fly
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life