Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
groan^2
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine