[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY