It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.