The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Worst Native American name ever.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?