I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
You Might Also Like
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
U talkin 2 me?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Sunday
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.