Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.