Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I love the National Park Service.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Chicken bread
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
me, after any kind of buffet.