Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 馃
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[animal noises] it鈥檚 only those with a destination who can be lost
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Gym memberships are for people who don鈥檛 have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don鈥檛 really like grapes
Me: say no more
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we鈥檙e doing this again?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My daily affirmation
Time zones shouldn鈥檛 be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it鈥檚 only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it鈥檚 actually two in the morning.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?