Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Seems kinda suspicious
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.